What you get for winning

So there is an iconic ride here in beautiful Boulder Colorado. I am honored to be a part of it. Its like a mini Paris Roubaix every Thursday…a mix of dirt and road with an emphasis on dirt…lots of pace line on dirt…which rules. Anyway..this ride is full of some characters that can really peg it and arent that concerned with what youre wearing or how shaved you legs are. Actually its frowned on. The weapons of choice are usually cross set ups with big road tires. I unfortunately do this whole thing on my look 555 which cant take more than a 23 cm tire…which make cornering on dirt less than desirable. Furthermore there is a major water crossing thanks to all the rain we’ve been having. For such a lawless group there are a few unwritten rules…like no matching kits ( Which being a designer is a tough rule for me to follow) etc…there was a new rule introduced yesterday…the winner of the day now has to do his own Phil Liggett type write up. Here is the transcript of what happened in my head…read this with an “inner voice”.
I don’t know how I got homework…for what went down today… But here goes
good thing I had my inner voice recorder on…as that is how this will be
told…through the haze and disturbance of my tortured, foggy brain.

Beep beep ( sound of alarm)…” oh shit…do I wanna do this? Fuck maybe its
canceled…nah I’ll have a crappy day if I don’t go. OK I ll go…eat get
dressed, grunt one out….OK on bike…head south down big hill man I don’t
feel warmed up…hope this gets better.

Oh look there’s Michael…damn I thought this would be canceled…Christ
Joes bike is right out of the tour. Man…hope I don’t flat..these tires are
wasted…I don’t feel that good.

Is that wind? Ill die in the wind..fuck…chat chat chat…man Michaels
spinning really fast. Thank god Ben’s not here I don’t think I could handle
that…oh crap ben is here and he just went to the front
This is gonna suck…oh he and  Michael are going Ill just sit back
here….is that guy wearing a skin suit? His back pack is all messed up. Ill
fix it. May be I can go home after being nice. Crap I am on the front…OK
go go go. OK turning…Ill chill in the back for a bit…
Pow. HELL YES I flatted. Awesome I am going to coffee. What? Oh you guys are
helping? Great. Fix fix fix start rolling again. Not feeling any better but
now obligated. Pedal pedal dogs joggers, cars….oooh they squealed through the
light dang that’s dirt section is coming up. Stay with Michael…hey
Balloons… Balloons are pretty. Rocky Mountain High by john denver fades in
then is abruptly shut off as we…

Hit dirt, man this front tire is way too full of air I am sliding all over
the joint….ok Michael’s right there. Dang there goes Ben…pink is a nice
color. ITS OK… ALL IS WELL…NO its not but keep going…are JPs shorts
made of buck skin? Hes kind of frontier-y do it yourself kind of guy. He
like a Daniel Boone who is kicking my goddamn ass (sounds of John Denver kicks
in again…rocky mountain hi….oh shit I almost cooked that turn. Stay
focused. Stay with JP, he’s my only hope to make this…hey that looks like
Julie….stay with JP…I can see Michael and Ben…oooh shit Michael is
fading fuck were gonna catch em…go JP go  I am weak and am happy in your
wake…crap JP just pulled off…OK just go you pussy… Fuck try and
actually pedal on your own. Lil throw up in my mouth…but kind of feel
better.
ahh downhill …I like down hill. Downhill is nice.

Hmm this isn’t that bad. Oh shit I hate crossing this road it always takes
like a million …damn they’re crossing. And here comes more
dirt…great…ow ow ow ow ow…a slight sand blasting to the face and
legs…this is awesome. Keep pedaling round that big turn….lil stretch of
pavement…oh bens back …yay? Damn it hes gunning it….off the pavement
back to dirt another turn…steering not good…sliding out of line. OK back
in. ” hey  Ben sorry dude I cant pull thru Ill never make it. OK kind of
feeling better…back on everyone’s wheel. Going up that little hill
rounding onto that fucking canal road. It better not be oatmeal like last
time. Oh nice its ride able. And I am with…OK was with the guys. Its cool
just ride this thing…pedal thru turns just stay on it…doing good can
still see the guys…kind of…oh it cows? Whats is that ? Hey look
golfers…oh shit almost died…sliding…sliding…sliding…pedal you
pansy…Christ where did everyone go…hi horseys. I like horses. Why is
everyone standing on the other side of the culvert looking at me? Shit
wheres the coast guard? This is deliverance…ehhh  I’ll make it..
shit…damn I am swimming…are there sharks in Colorado? Or crocodiles? why
is the moots logo a crocodile? Fuck focus jay…get across before Kevin
bacon comes around the bend. I think Ben may be a lifeguard in addition to
tearing legs off professionally…what does he do for work? Does it matter?
He rips legs off…you can buy things and friends and influence people with
that. Right? Damn I am soaked. I swear there was too much air in my
tire…ok lets go…oh heres everyone else. Joe holds his bike up like a
good solider and makes the fjord…good job dude…oooh sorry Julie
Yeah its cold water. Great long dirt section…man my feet are soaked…I
should have gotten coffee. Stupid helpers of flats…oh Joes at the front
now…hes kind of going OK stay with it…and heres Ben and Michael
again…second descent I actually like this descent…man Michael
flying…its kind of rough I may die…joes here again…ok and Bens back
perfect stya on the wheels back on pavement…I really don’t feel like doing
this…oh and JPs here now…I am gonna get blown out the back right about
…
OK you can sit in a bit you big pansy…stay on the wheels holy shit JPs
gassing it and were like a mile from the barn…stay on it…look good for
the camera….my eyelids are peeling back now…and JPs still on the
gas…uhoh pop…here goes Ben. See you JP…Michael is drilling
it…owwwwwwww stop it the humanity… Fuck you guys ….stop the insanity
you bastards….owwwwwwwwww… OK fuck this I want ths over with now and I
mean now….ok thast it clunk clunk shift down …head down go go go what
happened…that was the barn…what the fuck just happened? Flip Michael and
Ben off for the pain they brought
I need coffee…can I go home now.

This message brought to you by Jays inner voice…”rocky mountain high…